Religion. What is it? The path to enlightenment, to Heaven, to inner peace? I follow my religion with all the conviction I can muster, the turmoil tearing at me. It's hard to see what's real and what's false in this age, hard to separate yourself form what you know is sin, it's hard to actually follow your religion. That is, if you have a religion, of course.
I myself am Muslim. No, I don't bomb building. No, I don't run around killing people. Instead, I live. I live as you would. I go to school, I have problems in life, I have friends, enemies, annoying family, and "too much" work. I live.
But living is different for me. I have to pay attention to my modesty, I feel uncomfortable around males, I wear the Hijab, I cover my body modestly, and I try to speak without saying anything crude, inappropriate or suggestive. I'm not saying their aren't non-Muslim people who act like this, the difference between me and them is that I do it for Religion.
Anyways, I got off topic. What I really wanted to blog was about how conflicted I am right now ( I'm a teenager, INORITE?). I want to follow my religion to a T because everything my religion says makes sense. There doesn't seem to be any lie in it. It's actually really amazing.
But unsettling.
It makes me scared. Scared that if I don't follow it completely, I'll be banished to hell.
However, in this era, pretty much everything that's considered looked down upon is common.
For example (A bit extreme though) (by the by, the Qur'an says not to devote your entire life to religion and live life a little, but not by doing haram[forbidden] things)
Going to the movies when you could be studying or readign Qur'an
Missing Prayer for frivolous things
Being disobedient to your parents
Being disrespectful
Girls and guys being more than friends, touching each other as though they were man and wife.
It's all... Nyeh.
It's difficult, when everyone around you is doing what you shouldn't.
When you have questions about your religion but can't really find any (open minded) person to ask.
And so, I just want to....
Go to the desert.
Yup. That's right. I want to go to the desert. I want to travel on horse/camel back for days on end in the vast silent majesty of the desert, my life completely in the hands of my hard work and if God wills me to find water. I don't want to be able to access water easily, be able to simply move my hand 2 inches and there's food. How else can I ever understand it's value? I don't take it for granted, but I don't realize how much it truly means either.
I feel like the desert would answer all of my questions.
The treacherous yet wonderful wind blowing it's shelter and weapon named sand onto my face. the hot sun against my back or face as I ride towards an unknown destination. The braying of my animal and our breath the only sound to accompany me. It sounds like a dream.
With hugs and lots of love,
-Ai, the girl with hearts in her eyes
